When the spirit yearns
for something more
but capitalism beckons
reminding you
you’ve got bills to pay.

Positivity isn’t something that is contingent on the opinions or discernment of others
I have to work to be positive for my self, for my own sanity
And it’s okay if positivity isn’t natural to me
It’s okay if it’s an active struggle
It’s okay that I’m still learning

It’s finally dawned on me that
It’s not my father’s
Not my grandmother’s
Not my dog’s
Not my friend’s
It’s mine

It’s my responsibility

I started my weight loss journey at 246 pounds. I plateaued immediately within the first week. I injured my left knee the second week. I had so many reasons to keep going, that giving up didn’t seem like an option, even if I should’ve.

Those reasons to keep going are as follows:

Image – I was tired of looking in the mirror and seeing someone who looked normal to me, yet, whom others regarded as a “big girl.” I never thought I looked big or “fat” so I figured if I made my body match my mind, then maybe others would see the girl whom I’ve always seen, in the mirror.

Dating – I was told by one guy that if I “gave it time,” he might eventually be attracted me. Another guy told me that my face was pretty but that my body “mmm…not so much.” While hanging out with a close female friend of mine, a guy I was dating told us a fat joke about myself, comparing my friend’s skinnier body to mine. To me, I thought that if I lost the weight that those types of conversations would stop happening. Now, the smaller I get, the less justifiable the insults feel.

I didn’t know that shrinking my body would not shrink the expectations
of men.